Fish Tank Depression
Another one of my friends has passed away on Friday. This marks 4 of my classmates since 2013. Four of our group of 42 have now departed early. Dead before the age of 24. Or is it even early? I've always been a "romantic" about death. Not a romantic in the way that I find it romantic, or that I find it brings passion to my heart. I have just always been intrigued and curious about what death actually is. Why death elicits such homologous emotions throughout all humans no matter their race, ethnicity, color, age, religion, or walk in life. Death usually ensues with sadness not far behind it. But why?
Growing up I was very depressed. I don't like to talk about my depression because the word has become desensitized and has lost it's actual clinical meaning. Which is all I had. Undiagnosed clinical depression. A hereditary disease passed down to me maternally. All in all that is all depression is. In a clinical sense I mean.
It took me a long time to understand what depression is. Mostly because it took me 6 years to understand that that was why I was feeling what I was feeling growing up. My parents never told me that depression ran in our family, or that it wasn't something to try to self medicate away or something that I should try to hide so that I could still blend in with my peers growing up. Because as a youth, that's all we want to know and understand; that we are normal and within the primanal guidelines of our peers. We want to know that we are not failing or running astray. We want to know that we will become someone who other people, and ourselves, will value as important and successful. But I'm straying from the point here.
Through my youthful depression most of my thoughts were focused on sadness and the 'why' behind the sadness. I always felt that I had a pretty sound and grounded take on life. I've always been really good on putting things into perspective from different people's point of views. So why then was I feeling these feelings of sadness but with no hard evidence of events or personal experiences to bring on these overwhelming feelings of sadness. For those of you who are fortunate enough to have the proper brain chemistry and serotonin levels, let me phrase it like this. You are out with your friends. Perhaps you are at a house party, (pretend you're still in high school and don't dread going out yet or having to deal with human contact haha) and everyone is having a great time. You are all getting along and it feels like the best environment you've ever been in. Like you can't believe that a large group of this many different people can all get along together and basically have the ability to make the best out of any circumstance they're put in and it be some of the best memories those people have ever made. But you can't reach that point of happiness with them. You can see it very clearly. You can basically almost touch it. Imagine that feeling as you being stuck in a glass fish aquarium but no one else at the party sees you in the aquarium. To them you are right there beside them as a normal human. They can touch you and joke with you, but to you, you have this annoying glass wall barrier between you and your friends and all the happiness. And the worst part is is that you have no fucking clue as to why you are stuck in this damn invisible fish tank with all you feelings and emotions stuck in there with you. Or lack thereof really. Sounds annoying right? My thoughts exactly.
At the same time you don't want to be the weird fucking friend who, all puns intended, puts a damper on the party because you're stuck in the fish tank while they're all dry and completely oblivious to your conundrum. And if you're a level headed person like me, then this is how you like it. And how you want it to be. I understood that I was not the same as the people around me. I understood that most of my friend could not see me in the fish tank and (not trying to be a bitch) didn't want to be burdened by the fish tank friend. Because I don't know about you, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to lug around a heavy ass water filled fish tank all the time. Somewhat walking on tiptoe as to not upset or cause pressure on the glass to much. Because, FUCK, a broken fish tank with water and glass shards all over the floor is one hell of a fucking mess, am I right???
And so yeah, that's pretty much what depression is like.
But for me, I am SO grateful for my time with depression. Depression made the person I am today. Depression made me think deeper (HA, another fish tank pun). It made me have to stop and think a lot more as to why I was feeling the way I was feeling. It made me have a new appreciation for life and a completely new outlook on the "bigger picture" of the world.
In retrospect, depression made me uncomfortable. Which now I believe is the only way for a person to grow in life. Is to be made uncomfortable. To actually have to be out of their element and mundane, 'safe' routine. No one can grow their brain from learning about things that they already know. That would be like trying to understand a Kurt Vonnegut novel by only repeatedly reading a Charles Dickens novel.
Just some food for thought.
Kp
Growing up I was very depressed. I don't like to talk about my depression because the word has become desensitized and has lost it's actual clinical meaning. Which is all I had. Undiagnosed clinical depression. A hereditary disease passed down to me maternally. All in all that is all depression is. In a clinical sense I mean.
It took me a long time to understand what depression is. Mostly because it took me 6 years to understand that that was why I was feeling what I was feeling growing up. My parents never told me that depression ran in our family, or that it wasn't something to try to self medicate away or something that I should try to hide so that I could still blend in with my peers growing up. Because as a youth, that's all we want to know and understand; that we are normal and within the primanal guidelines of our peers. We want to know that we are not failing or running astray. We want to know that we will become someone who other people, and ourselves, will value as important and successful. But I'm straying from the point here.
Through my youthful depression most of my thoughts were focused on sadness and the 'why' behind the sadness. I always felt that I had a pretty sound and grounded take on life. I've always been really good on putting things into perspective from different people's point of views. So why then was I feeling these feelings of sadness but with no hard evidence of events or personal experiences to bring on these overwhelming feelings of sadness. For those of you who are fortunate enough to have the proper brain chemistry and serotonin levels, let me phrase it like this. You are out with your friends. Perhaps you are at a house party, (pretend you're still in high school and don't dread going out yet or having to deal with human contact haha) and everyone is having a great time. You are all getting along and it feels like the best environment you've ever been in. Like you can't believe that a large group of this many different people can all get along together and basically have the ability to make the best out of any circumstance they're put in and it be some of the best memories those people have ever made. But you can't reach that point of happiness with them. You can see it very clearly. You can basically almost touch it. Imagine that feeling as you being stuck in a glass fish aquarium but no one else at the party sees you in the aquarium. To them you are right there beside them as a normal human. They can touch you and joke with you, but to you, you have this annoying glass wall barrier between you and your friends and all the happiness. And the worst part is is that you have no fucking clue as to why you are stuck in this damn invisible fish tank with all you feelings and emotions stuck in there with you. Or lack thereof really. Sounds annoying right? My thoughts exactly.
At the same time you don't want to be the weird fucking friend who, all puns intended, puts a damper on the party because you're stuck in the fish tank while they're all dry and completely oblivious to your conundrum. And if you're a level headed person like me, then this is how you like it. And how you want it to be. I understood that I was not the same as the people around me. I understood that most of my friend could not see me in the fish tank and (not trying to be a bitch) didn't want to be burdened by the fish tank friend. Because I don't know about you, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to lug around a heavy ass water filled fish tank all the time. Somewhat walking on tiptoe as to not upset or cause pressure on the glass to much. Because, FUCK, a broken fish tank with water and glass shards all over the floor is one hell of a fucking mess, am I right???
And so yeah, that's pretty much what depression is like.
But for me, I am SO grateful for my time with depression. Depression made the person I am today. Depression made me think deeper (HA, another fish tank pun). It made me have to stop and think a lot more as to why I was feeling the way I was feeling. It made me have a new appreciation for life and a completely new outlook on the "bigger picture" of the world.
In retrospect, depression made me uncomfortable. Which now I believe is the only way for a person to grow in life. Is to be made uncomfortable. To actually have to be out of their element and mundane, 'safe' routine. No one can grow their brain from learning about things that they already know. That would be like trying to understand a Kurt Vonnegut novel by only repeatedly reading a Charles Dickens novel.
Just some food for thought.
Kp
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