Writing on Writing

Another one of my friends has passed away on Friday. This marks 4 of my classmates since 2013. Four of our group of 42 have now departed early. Dead before the age of 24. Or is it even early? I've always been a "romantic" about death. Not a romantic in the way that I find it romantic, or that I find it brings passion to my heart. I have just always been intrigued and curious about what death actually is. Why death elicits such homologous emotions throughout all humans no matter their race, ethnicity, color, age, religion, or walk in life. Death usually ensues with sadness not far behind it. But why? Growing up I was very depressed. I don't like to talk about my depression because the word has become desensitized and has lost it's actual clinical meaning. Which is all I had. Undiagnosed clinical depression. A hereditary disease passed down to me maternally. All in all that is all depression is. In a clinical sense I mean. It took me a long time to understand what

I am not dumb. I am not a fish. I am not a square. I am what I am. Who I am. I am not where I am. I am where I've been. Where I will go. I am not dumb. A fish can not climb a tree. And a bird can not live underwater. Is the fish lesser for not being able to climb the tree. Is the bird lesser for not being able to breath underwater? Perhaps. But perhaps not. I am not dumb, and they are not dumb. We all just are. School has made me feel dumb. Inadequate is more the correct word. Am I trying to be a fish who is expected to climb a tree? Or should I be a fish who expects birds to learn to breath underwater. I really don't want to be either of them. I want to be myself. I want to learn what strikes my curiosity and makes me breath in deep breaths of pure life. I do not want to be labeled as failed or inadequate because I am a fish who can not climb a tree. I've lived more life than most my age. I've seen and experienced and breathed and hurt and cried and climbed trees, la

I did it. I wrote again. It was kind of painful. But I need to finish if I want to keep moving. Kp